Can I see your identification, Ma'am?

Before I started this blog and being the people-pleaser that I am, I asked a few friends what they thought about me writing it. Everyone thought it was a great idea, but one friend added that it shouldn’t get too personal. I have been thinking about that and ultimately, I disagree. We all experience a lot of hurt in our lives. I feel one of the true blessings we can give each other is to share experiences, good and bad. As encouragement, I hope we can also share our triumphs. So, buckle up! This is going to get personal.

I admit it; I have a bit of a lead foot. I’m not proud of it, but I have been stopped by the police for speeding on more than one occasion. They always ask for my identification card. When they look at it, they see my name, my address, my height, my reported weight and my picture. This tells them who I am on the outside, but it doesn’t say much about who I am on the inside. What they don’t see is my true identity. 

Identities can very tenuous, fragile things. Oftentimes, our true identities, the ones we hold deep in our hearts, can depend on our circumstances, the opinions of others and the opinion we hold of ourselves. After years of neglect and abuse, and shortly after my ninth birthday, the authorities came to our dilapidated apartment building on the east side of Indianapolis and removed my siblings and me from our mother’s care. I felt ABANDONED. While in foster care, our mother never took the steps needed to get my siblings and me back; that made me feel UNLOVED. When I was moved from one foster family to another while my brothers were adopted, I identified with being UNWANTED. Once I was finally adopted at age 15, but subsequently rejected by that family at age 18, I was now UNWORTHY. I carried all of these identities with me into my adult life and even added a few.

During times when I should have been a better wife and mother, I was a FAILURE. As my multiple weight loss attempts bombed, I labeled myself FAT and UGLY. Through the years, I always tried to cover how broken I felt on the inside by making my outward identity HAPPY, HELPFUL, and HUMOROUS. For years, I tried to pretend the things that happened to me as a kid did not matter. I stuffed them deep inside. Then, a few years ago, God touched my heart more deeply than He ever had before. He told me I have a new identity; one that I needed to claim. I have an identity that is not defined by my past or by others, but rather one given to me by Him. 

I AM A NEW CREATURE. (Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17-18 ESV)

I AM A CHILD OF GOD. (But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. John 1:12-13 ESV)

I AM FREE. (Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:34-36 ESV)

I AM ANOINTED. (And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 ESV)

I don’t always feel I can fully own my new identity, but feelings can be deceptive. I have to forget the circumstances of my past and the opinions of others and myself. To be truly free and live for Jesus, I have to remember that what He says is all that matters. Because of this, I am humbled.

My biggest sin

If you look at me, you might think my most worst sin is overeating.  That would be a good guess and is likely a close second, but we’ll save that issue for another day. So what is my biggest sin? Well, like most people, that secret usually stays well-hidden. I try to pretend it isn’t that big of a deal, but really, it is. My biggest sin is worry.

I often joke, “I worry too much and I worry about that.” When in reality, it is no joking matter.  I constantly rob myself of joy, not to mention sleep, because I am always concerned about things in the future or even worse, things of the past. I worry that I should have taken my kids to church more when they were younger; that I, myself, should have been more committed to serving God. I worry about all the other parenting mistakes and bad financial decisions I have made throughout the years. Then, I remember that I cannot do a single thing to fix the past. So I move on and start worrying about things to come. I worry about my family’s future. I worry about those who are not saved. I worry about the homeless. I worry about the sick. I worry about the country. I worry I am not doing enough to help. I worry I try to do too much. You name it. I worry about it. Jesus is clear on the matter.

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?   Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27 (ESV)

Of course, the answer is NO. Worry does not add any value to my life whatsoever. My problem gets worse. When I take on all of this worry, I am essentially saying that God needs my help; that He can’t handle things on His own. That is the real joke here, people! We are not helpless by any means. We still have to wake up every day and attempt to make the best choices. We still have to show up and do hard work. But, through it all, God will lay a path for us. All we have to do is take it.

PROVERBS 37:1-4

¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Occasionally, for a few days anyway, I do a really good job of this. I pray and the worries leave me. I am content for a while. Apparently, though, I don’t trust God enough because it’s just a matter of time before I take it all right back. So, I talk myself off the ledge and start the process all over again. If you are like me and allow worry to consume your thoughts, just remember that when all is said and done, and things do not turn out the way we thought they would, we don’t need to worry. God’s plan is better than anything we can ever imagine. Every time! So, stop worrying about it!

What is the size of your world?

Originally published in July 2014: republished by mistake. Oops!

Humility is something I strive for every day and generally, I don’t find much success. There have been some problems on my mind lately. By all accounts they are minor. But nonetheless, they have still been occupying far too many of my thoughts. As usual, however, God’s timing is perfect and He always finds a way to put me in my place.

After attending visiting hours at the celebration service for the mother of Mallory’s teammate who passed away last week, (http://bit.ly/1oEBqhd) we decide to stop for lunch at “The Triangle” near the IUPUI campus. As we are eating, I notice, through the restaurant window, a young fellow standing with a homeless sign. I cannot recall ever seeing a homeless person so close to campus before and it strikes me as a bit odd. I automatically assume he is pulling some type of scam. I look away. God starts pulling at my heart so I hurriedly finish my buttered noodles and rush over to talk to him. 
As I approach him, he is a bit older than I originally guessed. He looks to be in his mid to late-twenties. I ask him about his story. He tells me he lost his construction job of flipping houses when his company shut down. He doesn’t say how long ago that was and I don’t want to pry too much so that detail is left unsaid. I then ask him if I can buy him lunch at Taco Bell and he agrees. Still not convinced this guy is on the level, we start walking into the restaurant. He continues to provide details of what he did when he was working and what happened. We walk up to the counter.

I tell him to order what he wants. He hesitates for a second and asks if he can get something for his wife because she is hungry too. I didn't see her and I don’t know where she is, but I tell him that is fine. He orders four tacos. I give him an open-ended invitation and he orders four tacos. I up it to a 12-pack and a large drink. As we are waiting, I ask him if he knows who Jesus is. He said he did and that he prays a lot. I pat him on the shoulder and tell him I will pray for him too. I start to walk away. He stops me and asks if I know of anyone who is hiring for the types of skills he had. I told him I do not, but that I will take down his name and phone number in case I hear of something. That last part convinces me he is on the level and that God is sending me a message. A message to get over myself and my petty problems.

“ Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38 (ESV)

This passage didn't come to my mind until after I was back to work. Will my reward be monetary? Will it be something that will wait until I get to Heaven? I don’t know, but that really isn't what I want my motivation to be.  I want to love others because He first loved us. The lives of most Americans are so big or so small, depending on how you look at it. Like everyone else, my life becomes so focused around what I have going on in my puny, little world that God has to stop me in my tracks, open my eyes and put me in my place. I hope He does the same for you.

Finding Focus

For many years, I tried to find my true purpose in life. My focus. My focus from God. My focus for God. 

 “And Jesus came and said to them, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.’” (Matthew 28: 18-20 ESV)

I know this.  But, what does it look like for me?

When we got married, we had children. I cleaned house, I made dinner, we attended ballgames, we went to their band concerts, and we coached their teams. We volunteered in almost every activity the girls were in. When Jessica started kindergarten, I quit my job because they would not allow me to attend Kindergarten Orientation Day. I had focus. My focus was my family. With a husband and four girls, there was a lot to focus on. 

Fast forward about ten years I saw the writing on the wall and it wasn’t from crayon scribbles.  The girls were growing up. I would have to find another purpose to fill my time. We were still pretty busy with activities and such, but I went back to college to finish my degree. In May 2014, I did. I am now a college graduate. I did it for myself, but I also did it for God. I mean, kind of. He did bless me with my intellect and I felt as though I would be failing Him if I did not finish my college degree. Mission accomplished.

As the girls start to leave home, my thoughts turn back to finding my “new calling”. But, I keep finding myself frozen by all of the possibilities.  There is so much brokenness, hurt and sin in the world.  How do I best serve God?

With my background as a child of the foster care system, I have often thought of getting involved there. I would like to help kids see that they can rise above their situation. They don’t have to remain victims of circumstance. They can stand strong and move past it all. Would I be allowed to share the message of God’s love and comfort?  After all, I never would have survived my own ordeal without my hope in God and His Son, Jesus.

Then, I hear about the awful plight of women, children and even men who are caught in the world of human trafficking. What can I, just one mom living in Indiana, do to fix this?  Ideas swirl around in my head, but again, I become overwhelmed and my thoughts turn to something more immediate and those ideas are lost. ( http://www.humantrafficking.org/ )

What about the homeless?  How can we better serve the under privileged in society.  Today’s world is never without plenty of souls who are poor, sick and homeless. They need our help and God’s message too. What big gesture can I make to help them? (http://www.wmm.org/ )

My latest preoccupation is abortion. I feel so many people would think differently about the issue if they took time to really examine the facts. Life is so precious and I think that when women find themselves in a situation that seems hopeless, it can be easy to forget that a life is being snuffed out in a matter of minutes. The viewing of the movie http://www.180movie.com/ helped me see that some people can and will change their minds if given a new perspective. Is this where God needs me?

All of these causes are ways of glorifying God. I want to choose the one where I will be most effective. I want to make a choice that brings His message to those who truly need it. I am a doer. I need results. After countless hours of sweat and tears, I want to see a finished product. Then, it occurred to me that all I need to do is….something. Just start. When I see a need, fill it. When someone is hurting, comfort them.  God will lead me to where He wants me to go.

BOTTOM LINE:  I just need to start planting and let God worry about the harvest.

It's on now!

I've started this blog a million times, in my mind anyway. Some of my best ideas come to me in the middle of the night. Most come to me while my hair is soaking wet during my morning shower. I continue to process and add to them as I complete my morning ritual. Once in awhile, I remember to finish them. Most of the time, I do not. The blog posts you read here will always be works in progress, but they will be works that made it through the morning rush. I hope you find something you enjoy.