That's the last one!

Her room was empty and all of her belongings, except her letter jacket and prom dresses, were locked inside the trailer. Her dad climbed behind the wheel of the truck that was pulling it, I followed behind in our car, and we headed down the road. On a day when most kids in the neighborhood were going back to school, the last of our four daughters was moving out.

For this mom, the last few years have been tumultuous. Three years ago, Rachel moved to Michigan with her husband and now, they have an eight month old baby with a second one on the way. In January, Crystal and her new husband moved to Germany for a three year stint in the Air Force. Just three months ago, a new job took Jessica, her husband and daughter to Atlanta. Now, it's the baby's turn.

Mallory and two of her friends have rented a house about 30 minutes away on the other side of the city. The old cliche of "empty nesters" has finally come to pass for us. In light of that, I can't help but be sentimental and reflect on the past 28 years of being a "live-in" mom.

With my background, experience and knowledge, I did the best I could. Did I make mistakes? You bet I did! So has every mom before me and so will every mom after me. Oftentimes, I wish I could go back and relive some of those moments, but that just isn't how time works. It marches on whether we like it or not. One thing is for certain though....there isn't a mother out there who could love her children more than I love my four girls.

So, here I am. A momma bird with an empty nest filled with memories, love and a husband watching baseball. I know that God has always loved my girls more than I ever could. I know He has always made up for my shortcomings and filled in the gaps to ensure they grew into kind, beautiful, and responsible women. I pray He will always protect them, even when they aren't sure He is even there.

For now, I'm going into the kitchen to clean the mess made by the baby bird that just flew the coop.

Wow! What a jerky kid.

Six months have passed since I wrote my last blog entry. Even though I love to write, I haven’t felt like it lately. But, we are doing this challenge in our church lifegroup and we are supposed to share something about ourselves. I figured I could share my blog.

I started to write about a serious topic that has been weighing on my heart, but I decided to do something fun instead. I am going to share trivia about myself. Most of it shows what a stupid, adventurous kid I was.

·         I love to write and I have considered writing a book about my messed up, dysfunctional childhood.

·         I lived in the Hood on the eastside of Indianapolis up to the age of nine. All of the following adventures happened during that time.

·         When I was about eight years old, I was arrested for riding a Green Machine on Washington Street. I had to go to traffic court.

·         One time, my friend, Mary McKinney and I walked around the Hood in our skivvies with pantyhose up to our chins.

·         I got in a fight with a girl named “Angel” once. I flattened a soda can and went after her with it. I don’t remember winning, but I don’t remember losing either. Maybe it was a draw. I don’t know.

·         My friends and I used to walk to the women’s prison on Michigan Street, stand at the fence and yell at the inmates.

·         There are railroad tracks behind Willard Park where I used lived. One time when I went exploring, I wore red rubber boots without shoes inside. I stepped on a nail and had to get a tetanus shot.

·         I locked myself in a bathroom once. I climbed up on the sink to reach the high window to call for help. I slipped and sliced my finger to the bone on a broken mirror that was in the window. I didn’t get stitches and I have a beauty of a scar.

·         One Halloween, a bat got stuck in our apartment. Someone chased it out with a broom.

·         When I was about seven or so, I ran away from home and headed downtown. I made it to the intersection of Southeastern and Washington Street, but I couldn’t find a bathroom. I had an accident and went home.

Come to think of it, I was pretty much a jerk!  Here's a picture of me right after I was pulled from the Hood. I look deceptively innocent, huh?

WE MADE IT!

Mallory is the youngest of our four girls. The baby. She will probably always be referred to as THE baby. In just a few short weeks, she graduates from high school. We've been through this three others times, but, for some reason, this time, it feels different. Of course, we are taking the time to celebrate Mallory’s accomplishments, but I suppose, in a way, my husband, Clint, and I are celebrating our family's accomplishments as well.

WE DID IT! But, for the Grace of God, all four girls have graduated from high school and are on their way to living full lives.

Rachel is a real estate broker. She and her husband, Chad, have moved about five hours away to Michigan where they bought a “fixer upper”. They continue to get acquainted with their new jobs and new surroundings while traveling back and forth to visit.

Jessica, earned her Sports Management degree from the University of Indianapolis a few years ago. She and her husband, Charley, have their first baby on the way. Rhyan will make her appearance in early September. So, no sooner will we get the last of the girls out of high school before Clint and I will begin our new roles as “Nana & Grandad”. (Grandparent titles are still a work in progress.)

And, it seems like it was just yesterday that Crystal was graduating from high school, but no. That was four years ago! She finishes her college degree from IUPUI this summer and then, she and her boyfriend, Korrie, will begin making all those big life decisions about marriage, career, buying a house, etc. It is an exciting time for our family!

New jobs. New goals. New adventures. And, new people. In the last several years, our family has been through a lot of changes, both good and bad. Some have caused setbacks while others have been blessings. It took a lot of prayer, determination and hard work, but, the important thing is...WE MADE IT!!  It is for this reason that I ask you, dear friend, to forgive us this year if the graduation party is a little bigger and the tears flow a little longer.

“The Lord bless you and keep you;  the Lord make his face shine on you  and be gracious to you;  the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26

Would you like fries with your BMW?

A couple of conversations with friends this week had me awake, early on a Saturday morning, thinking. Interestingly enough, the topic of both encounters concerned the level of poverty that exists in the world--a level so low that the overwhelming majority of those living in the US are unable to even comprehend it.

There are Americans who think they are poor because they cannot afford a new car or because they are unable to buy brand-name shoes for their kids. At the same time, there are people in other countries who don't even own a pair of shoes and not owning transportation means they must walk miles to get the family's drinking/cooking water for the day.

While on a missions trip in Mexico, one friend told me how she witnessed a common theme where a mother will guide her own child into the arms of an American then quickly abandon that child in the hopes that the American will take her precious son/daughter back to the United States. This mother has no idea what these people are like. All she knows is that the life they can provide for her young child has to be better than the one she can. I cannot imagine giving up one of my children. Then again, my children never went hungry nor did they do without most of life's comforts, let alone the basics. (Get some facts: http://www.globalissues.org/issue/2/causes-of-poverty)

Let's bring it closer to home. We have children in our own city, our own township who go hungry if they aren't eating at school; children who steal extra food while going through the lunch line because once they get dropped off at home, they don't know when they will see their next meal. Sure, we can try to rationalize the numerous reasons why this can happen from low education/wages to laziness to drug addiction. Yet one fact remains, none of these reasons are the fault of the hungry child. (Get some more facts: http://www.npc.umich.edu/poverty/)

Sometimes, these statistics break my heart so badly that I find it easier to avoid thinking about them altogether. Maybe, you do the same thing. That doesn't solve the problem though. I feel God tugging at me a little more each day so I don't think I can sit back and watch forever. I'm not talking about starting a revolution, but maybe we can start with just one kid or two or even three and see what God does with that. What can I do? What can you do? What can WE do? I have a few ideas. I would love to hear yours.

"But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." 1John 3:17-18 (ESV)

Can I see your identification, Ma'am?

Before I started this blog and being the people-pleaser that I am, I asked a few friends what they thought about me writing it. Everyone thought it was a great idea, but one friend added that it shouldn’t get too personal. I have been thinking about that and ultimately, I disagree. We all experience a lot of hurt in our lives. I feel one of the true blessings we can give each other is to share experiences, good and bad. As encouragement, I hope we can also share our triumphs. So, buckle up! This is going to get personal.

I admit it; I have a bit of a lead foot. I’m not proud of it, but I have been stopped by the police for speeding on more than one occasion. They always ask for my identification card. When they look at it, they see my name, my address, my height, my reported weight and my picture. This tells them who I am on the outside, but it doesn’t say much about who I am on the inside. What they don’t see is my true identity. 

Identities can very tenuous, fragile things. Oftentimes, our true identities, the ones we hold deep in our hearts, can depend on our circumstances, the opinions of others and the opinion we hold of ourselves. After years of neglect and abuse, and shortly after my ninth birthday, the authorities came to our dilapidated apartment building on the east side of Indianapolis and removed my siblings and me from our mother’s care. I felt ABANDONED. While in foster care, our mother never took the steps needed to get my siblings and me back; that made me feel UNLOVED. When I was moved from one foster family to another while my brothers were adopted, I identified with being UNWANTED. Once I was finally adopted at age 15, but subsequently rejected by that family at age 18, I was now UNWORTHY. I carried all of these identities with me into my adult life and even added a few.

During times when I should have been a better wife and mother, I was a FAILURE. As my multiple weight loss attempts bombed, I labeled myself FAT and UGLY. Through the years, I always tried to cover how broken I felt on the inside by making my outward identity HAPPY, HELPFUL, and HUMOROUS. For years, I tried to pretend the things that happened to me as a kid did not matter. I stuffed them deep inside. Then, a few years ago, God touched my heart more deeply than He ever had before. He told me I have a new identity; one that I needed to claim. I have an identity that is not defined by my past or by others, but rather one given to me by Him. 

I AM A NEW CREATURE. (Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17-18 ESV)

I AM A CHILD OF GOD. (But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. John 1:12-13 ESV)

I AM FREE. (Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:34-36 ESV)

I AM ANOINTED. (And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 ESV)

I don’t always feel I can fully own my new identity, but feelings can be deceptive. I have to forget the circumstances of my past and the opinions of others and myself. To be truly free and live for Jesus, I have to remember that what He says is all that matters. Because of this, I am humbled.

My biggest sin

If you look at me, you might think my most worst sin is overeating.  That would be a good guess and is likely a close second, but we’ll save that issue for another day. So what is my biggest sin? Well, like most people, that secret usually stays well-hidden. I try to pretend it isn’t that big of a deal, but really, it is. My biggest sin is worry.

I often joke, “I worry too much and I worry about that.” When in reality, it is no joking matter.  I constantly rob myself of joy, not to mention sleep, because I am always concerned about things in the future or even worse, things of the past. I worry that I should have taken my kids to church more when they were younger; that I, myself, should have been more committed to serving God. I worry about all the other parenting mistakes and bad financial decisions I have made throughout the years. Then, I remember that I cannot do a single thing to fix the past. So I move on and start worrying about things to come. I worry about my family’s future. I worry about those who are not saved. I worry about the homeless. I worry about the sick. I worry about the country. I worry I am not doing enough to help. I worry I try to do too much. You name it. I worry about it. Jesus is clear on the matter.

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?   Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27 (ESV)

Of course, the answer is NO. Worry does not add any value to my life whatsoever. My problem gets worse. When I take on all of this worry, I am essentially saying that God needs my help; that He can’t handle things on His own. That is the real joke here, people! We are not helpless by any means. We still have to wake up every day and attempt to make the best choices. We still have to show up and do hard work. But, through it all, God will lay a path for us. All we have to do is take it.

PROVERBS 37:1-4

¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Occasionally, for a few days anyway, I do a really good job of this. I pray and the worries leave me. I am content for a while. Apparently, though, I don’t trust God enough because it’s just a matter of time before I take it all right back. So, I talk myself off the ledge and start the process all over again. If you are like me and allow worry to consume your thoughts, just remember that when all is said and done, and things do not turn out the way we thought they would, we don’t need to worry. God’s plan is better than anything we can ever imagine. Every time! So, stop worrying about it!

What is the size of your world?

Originally published in July 2014: republished by mistake. Oops!

Humility is something I strive for every day and generally, I don’t find much success. There have been some problems on my mind lately. By all accounts they are minor. But nonetheless, they have still been occupying far too many of my thoughts. As usual, however, God’s timing is perfect and He always finds a way to put me in my place.

After attending visiting hours at the celebration service for the mother of Mallory’s teammate who passed away last week, (http://bit.ly/1oEBqhd) we decide to stop for lunch at “The Triangle” near the IUPUI campus. As we are eating, I notice, through the restaurant window, a young fellow standing with a homeless sign. I cannot recall ever seeing a homeless person so close to campus before and it strikes me as a bit odd. I automatically assume he is pulling some type of scam. I look away. God starts pulling at my heart so I hurriedly finish my buttered noodles and rush over to talk to him. 
As I approach him, he is a bit older than I originally guessed. He looks to be in his mid to late-twenties. I ask him about his story. He tells me he lost his construction job of flipping houses when his company shut down. He doesn’t say how long ago that was and I don’t want to pry too much so that detail is left unsaid. I then ask him if I can buy him lunch at Taco Bell and he agrees. Still not convinced this guy is on the level, we start walking into the restaurant. He continues to provide details of what he did when he was working and what happened. We walk up to the counter.

I tell him to order what he wants. He hesitates for a second and asks if he can get something for his wife because she is hungry too. I didn't see her and I don’t know where she is, but I tell him that is fine. He orders four tacos. I give him an open-ended invitation and he orders four tacos. I up it to a 12-pack and a large drink. As we are waiting, I ask him if he knows who Jesus is. He said he did and that he prays a lot. I pat him on the shoulder and tell him I will pray for him too. I start to walk away. He stops me and asks if I know of anyone who is hiring for the types of skills he had. I told him I do not, but that I will take down his name and phone number in case I hear of something. That last part convinces me he is on the level and that God is sending me a message. A message to get over myself and my petty problems.

“ Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38 (ESV)

This passage didn't come to my mind until after I was back to work. Will my reward be monetary? Will it be something that will wait until I get to Heaven? I don’t know, but that really isn't what I want my motivation to be.  I want to love others because He first loved us. The lives of most Americans are so big or so small, depending on how you look at it. Like everyone else, my life becomes so focused around what I have going on in my puny, little world that God has to stop me in my tracks, open my eyes and put me in my place. I hope He does the same for you.